/* author: Ivor Bell */
/* Creation date: 16/06/2008 */
var howMany = 89
var quotes = new Array(howMany+1)
quotes[0] = "One of our members was asked how he managed to live with his wife for 50 years. Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, for our 25th anniversary I took her to Beijing, he replied. What are going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary, he was asked. I'm going to go back and get her, he replied."
quotes[1] = "The doctor told one of our members that he had hypochondria. He was very distraught as he said. Not that as well."
quotes[2] = "Our Secretary and his wife always compromise. He admits he's wrong and she agrees with him."
quotes[3] = "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night just as she was getting ready for bed. She was so angry she beat him black and blue.  I'm not surprised, it's dreadful feeling that someone was watching you as you got undressed. No, it wasn't that it was when he tried to close the curtains."
quotes[4] = "Our Treasurer told a young member that, There are more important things in life than money, the youngster replied, but they won't go out with you if you are broke."
quotes[5] = "Our Coach told his wife that whatever happened he didn't want to be dependant on a machine and fed from a bottle. So his wife turned off the television and threw out his beer."
quotes[6] = "One of our members went on a weekend course to a big hotel off the A1. It was all about reincarnation. He said it was very good, the cost was a bit steep at £400 but you only live once. Live a little become a member."
quotes[7] = "Two of our members were having a drink together. I've just bought the most expensive hearing aid ever, one said, Now I can hear a pin drop. What do you call expensive? asked the other. Twenty-past eight, he replied. It's not expensive to become a member."
quotes[8] = "One of our members was woken by his wife. I can hear noises downstairs, I think we've got burglars. Go and see. Our member refused to move. What's happened to you? she hissed. You were brave when you married me. I know, he replied, that's what everyone said. You don't have to be brave to become a member."
quotes[9] = "I could never sleep my way to the top, because my alarm clock always wakes me up."
quotes[10] = "Our President's secretary was absolutely naff. Why don't you answer the phone? he said in exasperation. Because I'm fed up, she replied. Nine times out of ten it's for you."
quotes[11] = "A member was in the club house and called over the waiter. He said, I see on the menu that you have chicken tarka. Shouldn't that be chicken tikka? No sir, said the waiter, its like chicken tikka only a little 'otter."
quotes[12] = "One of our women members was having her portrait painted by a local artist and asked him if he would paint her dripping with fabulous jewels. She explained, If I die before my husband and he gets married again, I want his second wife to go crazy looking for the stones. Don't go crazy become a member."
quotes[13] = "There was only one supermarket basket left at the door of the shop as a woman and one of our members approached from separate directions. Excuse me, said the woman, do you want that basket? No thanks, he replied, I'm only after one thing. Typical male, she said as he walked away."
quotes[14] = "A member walked into the club house and saw the new barman. He was built like the side of a brick *house with muscles bulging out all over, tattoos everywhere, unshaven and sweaty. The member said you look just like someone I know. You're almost identical... if it wasn't for the moustache ... But I haven't got a moustache, said the barman. No, but my wife has."
quotes[15] = "One of our members was walking round the art gallery when he was stopped by one of the artists. He said Your wife is quite stunning and I would like to paint her portrait. Our member said Yes, you're right, she reminds me of the Venus de Milo. In what way? said the artist. She's beautiful, but not all there!"
quotes[16] = "Do you know what it means to come home at night to someone who gives you love, affection and understanding? It means you're in the wrong house. You don't have to be in the wrong house to become a member."
quotes[17] = "Our coach called on a new member, Was that your wife who answered the door? he asked. Of course it was, replied the member. You don't think I've got an au pair that ugly?"
quotes[18] = "One of our young members has just started his own firm. Sitting at his desk as a client walked in, wanting to appear the hot shot, he picked up the phone and pretended to be working on a big deal. He keeps shouting Buy! At any price! Finally, he hangs up and asks the visitor, Now, can I help you? Yes, the man replies. I’ve come to connect your phone."
quotes[19] = "Our Secretary has a new answering machine, his recorded message is, I am not available but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. If I do not return your call, you're one of the changes."
quotes[20] = "One of our junior members got a Saturday job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day, the store put in a machine for squeezing oranges. The boy asked if he could work on the machine. Sorry, said his boss. But baggers can’t be juicers."
quotes[21] = "A scruffy mongrel spotted a gorgeous coiffured poodle in the park. ‘What’s your name?’ he asked. ‘My name is Fi Fi,’ gently lisped the beautiful one. ‘What’s yours? Dunno, said the mongrel. I think it might be Down Boy."
quotes[22] = "A sailor is shipwrecked and finds himself washed up on a beach. As he comes round, he notices that the beach is purple, the sky, the grass and the trees. Even the birds are purple. Then he notices that his skin is turning a similar colour. ‘Oh no, ‘he cries ‘I think I’ve been marooned!"
quotes[23] = "One of our members walked into pub with a lobster. Pointing at the crustacean, the barman said: ‘Taking it home for supper, are we?’ ‘No,’ replied the member, ‘he’s had his supper, I’m taking him to the pictures."
quotes[24] = "A members wife rushed into the chemist's, crying. 'Do you realise what you've done?' she wailed. 'You gave my husband rat poison instead of stomach salts.' 'Oh dear,' replied the chemist. That is awful, you owe me another £2."
quotes[25] = "The town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals accused one of our members of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the local pub. Our member said nothing but later parked his pickup truck outside her house and left it there all night."
quotes[26] = "Two of our older members were talking over past times and got onto the subject of pubs. 'They're more like restaurants these days,' said one. 'And the beer's not so good,' replied the other. 'But its the spittoons that I miss,' continued the first. 'You always did,' came the reply."
quotes[27] = "Two of our older members were talking 'Come on, cheer up, let's go and have a pint of the dark brew, I hear it puts lead in your pencil.' said one. 'No thanks,' replied the other, 'I haven't got anyone to write to."
quotes[28] = "One of our members has got such a bad memory the only thing to stay in his head for longer than 12 hours is a cold."
quotes[29] = "Good morning, I'm a criminal lawyer,' said the man to his new client. 'Oh well, at least you're not ashamed about describing yourself,' came the reply."
quotes[30] = "Okay kids,' said Dad, returning home from work. 'My boss gave me a box of chocolates today so I think it ought to go to the person who always does what Mummy says and never answers back.' 'Oh Dad,' wailed the kids, 'that's not fair, you know that's you!"
quotes[31] = "And where do you think you're going at this time of night?' the police officer asked the staggering drunk. 'To a lecture,' he replied. 'Come off it. It's one o'clock in the morning. Who'd be giving a lecture at this time of night?' 'My wife."
quotes[32] = "One of our members was driving home from the pub one night when he was stopped for speeding. 'You were doing 40mph in a 30mph zone,' said the officer. 'Oh no, you're wrong,' said the driver. 'I assure you, Sir, that our instruments are very accurate and that you were driving much too fast.' At this point his wife leant across and said, 'it's no good arguing with him when he's had a drink."
quotes[33] = "One of our members opened the door to find his daughter canoodling in the porch with her boyfriend. 'It's nearly half past one in the morning,' he bellowed, 'do you think you can stay here all night?' 'Gosh, I don't know,' replied the boyfriend. 'I'll have to ring my parents for permission."
quotes[34] = "The police arrest a man selling 'secret formula' tablets that he claims gives eternal youth. When going through their files they notice it is the fifth time he has been caught for committing this same fraud. He had been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983."
quotes[35] = "One of our elderly members was on holiday in Somerset with his wife when they decided to take a drive in the countryside. The wife was driving when she got stopped by a traffic policeman. The officer says: 'Madam, did you know you were speeding'?' The wife turns to her husband and asks: 'What did he say?' The old man yells: 'He says you were speeding.' The policeman says: 'May I see your driving licence?' The woman turns to her husband and asks: 'What did he say?' The old man yells: 'He wants to see your driving licence.' So the woman gives the officer her licence. The policeman says: 'I see you are from Epping. I spent some time there once and I went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life.' The woman turns to her husband and asks: 'What did he say?' The old man yells: 'He thinks he knows you.'"
quotes[36] = "One of our Irish members, Paddy, walked into the bar and asked for three shots of whiskey. The barman asked, 'In one glass or three?' 'Oh three - I drink the other two for my brothers in the old country,' he said. After doing this regularly for three weeks, Paddy walked into the bar and asked for just two shots. The barman asked, 'So did something happen to one of your brothers?' 'Oh no,' Paddy replied. 'I've just decided to give up drinking.'"
quotes[37] = "The club captain turned up for a meeting the other day, and said, 'What do you think of my new shirt? It's got cactuses on it'. The club secretary said, 'Cacti'. 'Yes,' said the club captain, 'but what about the shirt?' You don't need a cacti to become a member."
quotes[38] = "One of our young members rang the local hospital in a state of excitement. 'My wife is going into labour,' he shouted down the telephone. 'Her contractions are two minutes apart. 'The doctor said: 'Is this her first child?' 'No, you idiot,' the member replied. 'This is her husband!'"
quotes[39] = "The club waiter asked a member 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes, but before you do, I have one question,' replied the member. 'How do you prepare your chickens?' The waiter said, 'Oh, nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'"
quotes[40] = "Our President was walking down a country lane when he saw a young man struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it has fallen off. 'You look hot my son,' says the President. 'Why don't you rest a moment and I'll give you a hand?' 'No thanks,' said the young man. 'My father wouldn't like it.' 'Don't be silly,' the President said. 'You've been working hard - everyone is entitled to a break, Come and have a drink of water' Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the President said, 'Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!' 'Well,' replied the young man, 'he's under that load of hay.'"
quotes[41] = "As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother in floods of tears. 'Oh mother,' she sobbed. 'The honeymoon was wonderful. It was so romantic, we had a terrific time. But on our way back, he started using really horrible language. Words I'd never heard before, really terrible four-letter words. I think our marriage is over.' 'But, darling,' the mother says. 'What four-letter words?' Still sobbing, the bride says, 'Mother, they were words like dust, wash, iron and cook.'"
quotes[42] = "A members wife went to see a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into the crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. 'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt, your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.' Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the clairvoyant's face, then at the single flickering candle on the table, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself, there's something else she simply had to know. She met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, 'Will I be acquitted?' No need to see a fortune teller to become a member"
quotes[43] = "A member was about to have breakfast in the club house. He called the waiter over, to place his order, and says: 'Good morning. I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny and the other so overcooked that it's tough and hard to eat. Also, I want some grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side, burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife, and some butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread and a pot of weak coffee, lukewarm.' 'I'm sorry, sir,' says the bewildered waiter. 'We can't get that for you.' The member replied: 'Oh, but that's what I got yesterday!'"
quotes[44] = "A tramp asked our treasurer for a pound. Our treasurer said, 'If I give it to you, will you just use it to buy booze?' The tramp said no. The treasurer asked, 'Will you gamble the money away?' The tramp said no. The treasurer then asked, 'In that case, will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?' You don't need to drink or gamble to become a member."
quotes[45] = "Our coach's wife rushed into the house and yelled , 'Pack up your things, I've just won the lottery.' Our coach replied, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' She said, 'I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon tomorrow.' You don't need to win the lottery to become a member."
quotes[46] = "One of our members stumbled over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie appears out of the spout and said, 'I am required to grant you three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with due respect, I will give twice what you ask for to the person you hate the most - your boss.' The man agreed and made his first wish. 'I want lots of money,' he said. Instantly, £20 million appears in bags on the piste, and £40 million goes into his boss's bank account. Next, the man asked for a top-of-the-range sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears beside the man and, at the same moment, two show up outside his boss's house. Finally, the genie says, 'You have but one wish left. Choose carefully.' The man says, 'Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney.'<br> You don't have to make a wish to become a member."
quotes[47] = "One of our young members was sitting in the back of his car conoodling with his new girlfriend. He asked her if she told her Mother everything. 'Heck no', she replied, 'it's my husband that's nosey'. You don't need to be nosey to become a member."
quotes[48] = "Our treasurer complained to his doctor that his hair keeps falling out. 'Please will you give me something to keep it in?' he begged. 'Take this,' said the doctor, kindly, handing him a box. Keep your hair on and become a member"
quotes[49] = "One of our members went to a seance but discovered that the clairvoyant had been fooling the public. He remonstrated with her but she laughed at him. He was subsequently arrested for striking a happy medium. Strike a happy medium become a member"
quotes[50] = "Our Secretary went to see a famous specialist. 'So who did you see before coming to me?' asked the doctor. 'My general practitioner,' replied our Secretary. 'Your GP!' scoffed the doctor. 'What a complete and utter waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?' 'He told me to come and see you.' Take our advice, become a member."
quotes[51] = "After bringing their first baby home from hospital, the wife suggested to her husband that he should try changing the baby's nappy. 'I'm busy,' he says. 'I'll change the next one.' Three hours later, she asks again. 'No,' he refuses again. 'I meant the next baby.' Don't make any changes become a member."
quotes[52] = "One of our members went into a pet shop and said: 'I'd like a frog for my son.' 'I'm sorry,' replied the shopkeeper. 'We don't do part exchange.' Don't be a toady become a member"
quotes[53] = "One of our younger members told us that he was really scared. He had a letter from a man who said he'd break his legs if he didn't stop seeing his wife.' 'Well,' we replied, ' you'll have to stop seeing his wife'. 'That's easy for you to say,' said the young man.' 'Do you like her that much?' we asked. 'No, 'he didn't sign his name!'"
quotes[54] = "During an attack of laryngitis, our Chairman completely lost his voice. To help him communicate with his wife he devised a system of taps. One tap meant, 'Give me a kiss', two taps meant 'Yes please' and 95 taps meant 'I'll take out the rubbish.' No need for taps to become a member."
quotes[55] = "Our coach approached a beautiful woman in a supermarket and said: 'I've lost my wife in here so could you talk to me for a few minutes?' 'Why do you want me to do that?' the woman asked. 'Because,' the coach replied, 'every time I talk to a gorgeous woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.'"
quotes[56] = "A priest turned to his congregation then looked at the coffin before him. 'We are gathered here to remember Timothy O'Reilly, our deceased neighbour' he said. 'Before Timothy is taken from here, is there anyone who wants to say anything about him?' There was silence. 'Is there anyone who wants to say anything about Timothy?' he repeated.  There was still silence. The priest became impatient. 'Is there anyone who wants to say anything about our departed neighbour?' Finally, a voice boomed out from the back of the church: 'His brother was worse.'"
quotes[57] = "In a taxi the other day I tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, 'Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!' I apologised and said I didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, 'Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the past 25 years.'"
quotes[58] = "An old man was on his deathbed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled the aroma of steak and kidney pie wafting into his room. His wife's pies were known through the village as the best, and he loved their smell more than anything. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out of bed, across the floor and down the stairs. In the kitchen he found his wife rolling the pastry for a new batch of pies. As he reached for one of the freshly bake ones, his wife smacked him across the back of his hand with the rolling pin. 'Leave them alone!' she barked. 'They're for the funeral.'"
quotes[59] = "Visiting some friends for dinner, at the table the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, 'Dear; would you like to say the blessing for us?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' replied the little girl, shyly. 'Just say what you hear Mummy say, sweetie,' the mother said. So the girl bowed her head, and solemnly said, 'in heaven's name, why on earth did I invite all these people to our house?' Count your blessings, become a member."
quotes[60] = "'Look at this!' exclaimed the angry husband to his wife, 'the bank has returned the cheque you wrote last week.' 'Oh great,' she replied. 'What shall I spend it on next?'"
quotes[61] = "Why is it when you talk to God you are praying but when he talks to you, you're crazy? You don't have to pray to become a member "
quotes[62] = "At a recent committee meeting three elderly members were discussing the problems of growing old. One said: ‘Sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonnaise  and I can’t remember if I am putting it away or making a sandwich.’ Another said: ‘And I can trip on the stairs and not remember if I was walking up or down.’ ‘Oh, well, I don’t have those sort of problems, touch wood,’ said the third, tapping his knuckles on the table, before adding: ‘That must be the door - I’ll get it!’<br>Before you forget become a member."
quotes[63] = "‘Good night, last night, Bob?’ asks Fred. ‘No says Bob. ‘I met this beautiful Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. Then I phoned her yesterday for a date, and she’d popped her clogs.’Don't pop your clogs, become a member."
quotes[64] = "A priest was preparing a man for his long final journey. Whispering firmly, the priest said: ‘Denounce the Devil. Let him know how little you think of his evil.’ The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order, but still the dying man was silent. The priest asked: ‘Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and all of his evil?’ The dying man said: ‘Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to irritate anybody.’ Don't irritate anybody, become a member."
quotes[65] = "Our club captain has been teaching his pets to undertake DIY projects. Every time he kicks his dog, it makes a bolt for the door. Become a member before he kicks you."
quotes[66] = "Our coach recently escaped from a near-fatal experience with a horse. Everything had been fine until the horse started bouncing uncontrollably. He tried to hang on but was thrown off. With his feet caught in the stirrups, his wife watching helplessly, he fell head first to the ground as the horse kicked and thrashed. He was just starting to give up all hope of escaping the wild animal when the shop manager came out and unplugged it. Play safe, become a member."
quotes[67] = "A new member entered the club house and took a seat. The bartender came over and asked: ‘What can I get you to drink, sir?’ The man replied: ‘Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once but didn’t like it, and I’ve never drunk it since.’ The bartender was a little perplexed, but being a friendly, out going sort, he pulled out some cigarettes from his pocket, flipped the top of the pack and offered one to the gentleman. He refused, saying: ‘I tried smoking once, didn’t like it, and have never smoked since. Look, actually, I wouldn’t be in here at all, except that I’m waiting for my son.’ The bartender retorted: ‘Your only child, I presume?’ Become a member, you might like it."
quotes[68] = "What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that. You could do better, become a member."
quotes[69] = "The wife of our Coach is fed up with the time he spends down the club, so one night he took her along. ‘What’ll you have?’ he asked. ’Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,’ she replied. So, he ordered a Martini and downed it in one. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass only to spit it out immediately. ‘Yuck, disgusting,’ she spluttered. ‘I don’t know how you can drink the stuff!’ ‘Well, there you go,’ cried our Coach. ‘And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!’ Enjoy yourself by becoming a member."
quotes[70] = "Our club captain came home, exhausted after working a 12-hour day, and collapsed into bed. He was just about to fall asleep when his wife rolled over and said: ‘What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy woman lying next to you?’ He replied: ‘Don’t worry darling, I’d stay faithful.’ Stay faithful become a member."
quotes[71] = "Our Treasurer was standing on the bathroom scales, desperately holding his stomach in. His wife, thinking he was trying to weigh less, quietly commented: ‘I think you’ll find that won’t help.’ ‘It does,’ he replied. ‘It’s the only way I can read the numbers.’ No need to hold your stomach in to become a member."
quotes[72] = "A thief broke into the Club house and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson said, ‘We have absolutely nothing to go on.’ Here's something to go on, become a member."
quotes[73] = "Two members went into the club bar and ordered a couple of drinks. They produced sandwiches from their bags and started to eat. The steward marched over and  said ‘You can’t eat your own food in here!’ The club members looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then swapped sandwiches."
quotes[74] = "Our youngest member, an Oxbridge graduate, got a supermarket job. On his first day, the manager greeted him with a warm handshake, gave him a broom, and said: ‘Your first job is to sweep the floor.’ ‘But I’m an Oxbridge graduate with a double first,’ our member replied indignantly. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise that,’ said the manager. ‘Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.’ Let us show you how, become a member."
quotes[75] = "Two of our more elderly lady players Elsie and Agnes are sisters, were driving to a Sunday match. Neither can see much above the dashboard but Agnes notices that Elsie has just gone through a red light. She says nothing, though… Until they pass another light on red, and then a third, a few minutes later ‘Elsie, you could have killed us’ says Agnes. 'That’s three red lights you have passed in a row.' ‘Oh, no!’ says Elsie. ‘Am I driving, dear?’"
quotes[76] = "A little boy who prayed every night decided to add ‘God save Grandad’ to his prayers. The next day, his grandad dropped dead. Two days later he said, ‘Please God, save Grandma.’ And the next morning, she dropped dead, too. His parents, worried by this turn of events, made him promise not to include them in his prayers. But three days later he said, ‘God save Dad.’ The next day, his father took every precaution to keep out of harm’s way. When he came home, he said, ‘I walked to work, because I was frightened to go by car. I stood all day because I was frightened the chair might collapse. It was awful.’ The wife said, ‘You had a terrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.’ Have your prayers answered, become a member."
quotes[77] = "A man walked into the club house and asked the bartender to line up 10 glasses and fill them up with beer. As the bartender starts pouring, the man starts gulping them down, one by one. ‘Hey, buddy,’ shouts the barman ‘what’s your hurry?’ The man takes a breather from his pint and replies: ‘If you had what I have, you’d do the same thing.’ ‘And what do you have?’ he asked ‘About 50 pence.’"
quotes[78] = "A member was sitting at the bar looking miserable, staring at his drink. Suddenly, a golfer came up to him, took the drink and proceeded to gulp it down in one. The poor man started to cry. The golfer turned and said: ‘Come on, man, I was only joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink.’ ‘You don’t understand,’ the man said. ‘Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for a meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building, I discovered that my car had been stolen, I got a taxi home and, after paying the driver, found that I’d left my wallet in the taxi. ‘At home I surprised my wife in bed with the gardener. I left depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about ending it all, you show up and drink my poison!’ Things can't be that bad, become a member."
quotes[79] = "Our President visited his GP and asks if the doctor thinks he will make it to a hundred. ‘Do you smoke or drink?’ the doctor asks. ‘No, I’ve never done either,’ says the man with pride. ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or make love to lots of beautiful girls?’ the doctor further enquires. ‘Nope, I’ve never done any of those things, either,’ says the man. ‘Well then,’ asks the doctor, ‘why do you want to live to be a hundred?’<br>A good reason to live to a hundred, become a member."
quotes[80] = "‘You’re in incredible shape,’ says the doctor. ‘How old are you again?’ ‘l am 78,’ says our Chairman. ‘78! You don’t look a day over 60,’ the doctor exclaims. ‘So, tell me, what’s your secret?’ ‘Well, doctor, my wife and I have this arrangement. Whenever she gets angry with me she has to go into the kitchen to cool off, while I go and play petanque.’ ‘Yes, that’s very interesting, but what’s that got to do with it?’ ‘Well,’ said our chairman. ‘You see I’ve pretty much lived an outdoor life.’ Enjoy the outdoor life, become a member."
quotes[81] = "Our Secretary took his Rottweiler to the vet because the dog had developed an obvious squint. The vet took the animal into his surgery and held him up to the light to take a good look at his eyes and work out what the problem was. ‘I’m sorry,’ says the vet, ‘but I’m afraid I am going to have to put him down.’ Our Secretary was horrified. ‘But why?’ he asks. ‘He’s only got a squint.’ The vet gasps: ‘I know... but he’s very... very… heavy!’ Don't be heavy become a member."
quotes[82] = "One of our younger members Peter, setup Dave, his best friend, on a blind date, but Dave was a bit worried about going out with someone he’d never seen before. ‘What do I do if she’s really ugly?’ said Dave, ‘I’ll be stuck with her all night.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ said Peter. ‘Just go up to her door and meet her. If you think she’s okay, then carry on as planned. If you don’t, just shout 'argh!' and fake an asthma attack.’ That night, Dave knocked at the girl’s door, and when she came out he was awestruck by her beauty. He was about to speak, when the girl suddenly shouted, ‘Argh...’ No need for an asthma attack, become a member."
quotes[83] = "Our Coach desperate for new ideas to improve our game placed a simple sign over the basins in the toilet, ‘Think!’ The next day, when he went to the toilet, he looked at the sign and right below it, next to the soap dispenser, someone had placed another sign: ‘Thoap!’ Think about becoming a member."
quotes[84] = "A woman takes her dog to the vet, explaining that she thinks it is dead. The vet puts the dog on the table, then reaches into a box and pulls out a cat. He puts the cat on the dog and watches as it walks along the dog from tail to nose, and back again. The dog does not move. ‘You are right,’ says the vet. ‘I’m afraid the dog is indeed dead.’ ‘How much do I owe you?’ the woman asks. The vet says £325. ‘£325!’ screams the woman. ‘It’s £25 for the consultation,’ says the vet. ‘And £300 for the cat scan.’ You won't need a cat scan to become a member."
quotes[85] = "Nine-year-old Tom came home from school with a black eye. His dad asked him what had happened. ‘I challenged Michael to a duel in the playground,’ he said. ‘I even gave him the choice of weapons.’ His dad looked perplexed. ‘You know fighting is wrong, son. But I’m glad you were fair about weapons.’ ‘I know,’ said the boy. ‘But I never thought he’d choose his sister.’ No need to fight to become a member."
quotes[86] = "Two men were playing petanque when a boule landed on a wood nymph sitting close by. Caught by her wings she begged them to set her free and said she would grant each of them a wish. The first man said,‘if you can really grant wishes, double my IQ.’ The nymph said, ‘Done.’ Suddenly the man started reciting Shakespeare and expounding mathematical theorems. The second man was so amazed, he said, ‘Quadruple my IQ.’ The nymph looked at him and said, ‘You know, I really wish you would reconsider. Won’t you ask for something else — a million pounds?’ ‘No I won’t, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free,’ he said. The nymph sighed and said, ‘Okay, it’s done.’ And he became a woman. Show your high IQ, become a member."
quotes[87] = "Two of our elderly members, Ed and Jim, were playing their weekly match. Ed had been having trouble remembering the sequence of play and had needed help from his wife. But not this time. At the end of the match Jim said, ‘You didn’t need any help. Why?’ Ed replied, ‘Ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven’t had any problems at all!’ ‘What memory school?’ Jim asked. Ed thought for a moment. ‘Oh! What’s that really pretty flower that’s red with thorns?’ ‘A rose?’ his friend replied. ‘Yes, that’s it!’ said Jim, turning to his wife. ‘Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that memory school you sent me to?’ Before you forget, become a member."
quotes[88] = "A shifty-looking bloke approached one of our members and offered to sell him Viagra for £20. 'No, not worth it.' 'OK, how about £10?' 'No, not worth it.' 'Listen these pills are expensive. How can you say they're not worth it?' 'It's not the pills, the wife's not worth it.'"
quotes[89] = "Our coach's wife: 'Petanque, petanque, petanque! That's all you ever think about. If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the housework, I think I'd drop dead from the shock!' Coach: 'It's no good trying to bribe me, dear.' No need for a bribe, become a member." 

function rndnumber(){
var randscript = -1
while (randscript < 0 || randscript > howMany || isNaN(randscript)){
randscript = parseInt(Math.random()*(howMany+1))
}
return randscript
}
quo = rndnumber()
quox = quotes[quo]
document.write(quox)